30 Sep 2007

i louve you from the calcium of your teeth right down to the keratin of your nails.

hahahahaha shit man. someone give me a break!

zaza at 5:30 pm

9 angels shot me

goodness me. he haunts me i swear he haunts me in my dreams and he needs to quit doing that. he is constantly eating away my soul and he needs to quit doing that. this love will be the death of me. as if that hasnt already happened. pah! Lord have mercy. sorry my posts are pretty monotonous and i cant stop complaining about how much it hurts blah blah. fook you i will complain if i want to, as much as i want to. Lord have mercy.

zaza at 2:01 pm

2 angels shot me

29 Sep 2007

Unique freak
Cool geek
Random thoughts
Flower pots
Love you lots.

zaza at 10:04 pm

4 angels shot me

27 Sep 2007

crazified internal rhymes

I don’t like reading long posts either but I’m posting this just to get it out of my system. I just wrote it because I needed to. You don’t have to read it all though. The internal rhymes are a bit cool, I think, that is if you’re into this kinda thing. Anyway. Here goes.

Hold my hand and it will shake. You might need to cover your ears because my heart makes lots of noise as it breaks. You might not hear it though and I will bear it. I am quite possibly thinking more than the pace of my blinking. The pain that overtakes me might grow and grow but as long as you’re close and holding me tight, I just might heal overnight. My eyes are red and I haven’t been to bed for days. I’ve been walking around as if in a haze that is leading me to you. Boo hoo hoo. I look like the rainbow dressed up in colorful clothes but inside I’m painted blue and grey and black and I’m low. I might lack color and you might just know because it always shows and grows so cut me some grief here, why don’t you. I have officially stopped smiling because there is no one who appreciates me smiling at them. I fumble with my hem or look the other way when someone looks at me and attempts to smile. Fook. Even if I wanted to talk, I would approach them and then walk the other way because I know they’re not here to forever stay. Just like you. Way-hey! You caress my soul and I resort to being a blacker hole than what I already am. Damn it hurts but the love I spurt might just be revisiting me someday. I’m still waiting for that day to come and I’m drinking rum as I anticipate that day’s arrival and waiting for that day is my key to survival. It might sound twisted but I always lose ground when you’re not around. It’s like I mope around, doped of course, completely lost and waiting to be found again. The fight is tough but it’s alright because I intend to make it through and find myself in a better place with you. I don’t care if you want me all the same because not caring is just part of this game, isn’t it? Not that I think its fair at all, but screw you because life isn’t fair, did you hear? So there. Quit suffering in despair. I hope you can feel my prayer when I pray for you. I don’t think you can feel it, because if you could you would have done something about this whole thing. I don’t want you to see my tears because you might just drown in them because you aren’t exactly the bravest of men, even if there were just ten standing in a straight line; no doubt all of whom would be looking fine. Not that I really care because it’s only you who belongs to me and is mine. This is my heart and that is yours and I’m fine with that. But it’s not a piece of hair that you can pull out and forget about; I won’t let you because it hurts a great deal and it leaves me numb and unable to feel. Even now, it’s too sore to touch because the pain is just too much. Wouldn’t your whole life tilt with guilt anyway? So I say cut the crap, shut up and lets wrap it up. I make a request for you to forgive; let’s just live and let die, and give whatever love we have to give. Push and shove and make passionate love. I can’t help but stand and stare; is anyone there? Life isn’t fair, wounds build up layer upon layer but does anyone care? *I louve you alright, I fucking love you like no one loves you*

I should be feeling better after this much needed love letter thing. I kindof do but I feel shit all the same because inevitably, my life belongs to you. You own my bastard life and you can turn it upside down and downside up.

Just.
Like.
That.

zaza at 9:14 pm

10 angels shot me

random bites

alright. this is another crazy post. dont say you werent warned. havent a clue whats going on. days are passing. night turns to day and day turns to night. i thought i would sleep a lot to get away from how things are but youre haunting my dreams now. why would you want to do that, i ask. no reply. last night i dreamt of you and woke up at 2. couldnt sleep after that. things arent fun anymore. life isnt fun. when was life ever fun? it began to gain speed when you were around but thats about it. now its just dragging along like an an old man with arthiritis. but there IS gold in them hills so im not losing heart [coldplay] uff. i dont want to talk to anyone. i dont have the energy to do anything. omg. i just want to sit in my room and kill myself with thoughts of you and i might die. not that im not already dead...but kill myself further i guess. hmm. im such a fuckin retard. i want to give up on everything. what is the point in being hopeful, believing in your dreams, keep holding on, being optimistic? perhaps you dont know how much i love you. omg. here i go talking shit again. i need a kick-ass dose of optimism. maybe i should start drinking. but you remember that thing i told you? if i ever drink it will be with you. maybe i need to forget everything or maybe i need to keep holding on like i have been. but hope is wearing out and im kinda drowning whilst frowning. i would love to keep holding on...if only i could gaze into the future and if i couldnt see you, i would resort to just sitting in my room. write crazy poetry and calmly accept my status as a psycho. omg. im losing my marbles. whatever. dafiz

zaza at 4:50 pm

6 angels shot me

Awwwww… I… I think I have something in my eye....the sewing needle I stuck into it. .. says:
why dont u recog ure own worth for once..


Sylvia Plath. says:
coz im worthless haha hooohoooo


Awwwww… I… I think I have something in my eye....the sewing needle I stuck into it. .. says:
u are not..


Awwwww… I… I think I have something in my eye....the sewing needle I stuck into it. .. says:
u let one person decide ure worth


Sylvia Plath. ays:
but that person is my whole world i swear


Sylvia Plath. says:
how can one fucking person just take over your whole bloody life?


Awwwww… I… I think I have something in my eye....the sewing needle I stuck into it. .. says:
uff we let it happen..


Sylvia Plath. says:
no we dont, sometimes we have no control


[i think im undergoing a nervous breakdown.
the skin im in is beginning to hate me. haha.]

zaza at 12:07 pm

5 angels shot me

26 Sep 2007

perhaps i ought to sharrap now about how much it hurts blah blah. not that the intensity of my louve is ever changing [might increase] i write like im about to die coz when i write i AM about to die...but yeah, i guess everyones sick of me complaining. im getting a bit sick of writing the same thing over and over. i just had chicken sausages and cheese. omg. i want some more but ive eaten them all. free all day today. going to see Raymond in a bit. will tell him all about YOU and see what he has to say. he might just put his hand on his heart like he did before, but i seriously doubt it because i dont exactly feel highly optimistic and i dont think he would put his hand on his heart knowing how things currently are. though things are a tiny bit better and im not complaining coz something is better than nothing. the whole thing is messed up. he might tell me to keep holding on. or even if he tells me to let go, do you really think i will? if there was nothing to hold onto i would have let go a long long time back. dude. men are dogs. but not you. maybe its because youre not a man. thoughts of you are corroding me. there you go, creeping into my posts again. get out. grrr. and oh yea, i still havent changed that password. i did, but its almost the same as what it was before. my ebay user name is pretty fkd up too...im trying to think of what life was like before you came but im getting nowhere with it coz i cant seem to think what life was like before you came. ahh i dont know. i listened to John Mayer after what seems like forever. your body is a wonderland.

after he mutates, angels descend. jaded. and [even then] we experience dilemmas. amazingly, his mystification and desire just allow wierdo [to] embrace [their] dreams.

zaza at 9:35 am

5 angels shot me

25 Sep 2007

reality

this has a much deeper meaning than what meets the naked eye...

The storm in the teacup
Flooded the world
My legs got cut off
And in time grew back
Green leaves browned
Fell down, reappeared
The baby grew up
And had a kid
Who has a kid at present
The fire of desire burnt out
And hurt my finger
Unwanted feelings yet seem to linger
My raw wounds have healed up now
The presence I once loved
Has turned to bone
And day by day my heart turns to stone
The sun turned cold
And caused mysteries to unfold

I took all the blame
But you’re still the same.

zaza at 1:47 pm

2 angels shot me

24 Sep 2007

you know everytime i call you my hands shake. when i see you, the words will stop flowing and i will choke on my thoughts. the million and one things i want to say to you will decrease drastically to nil. life will come to a point where everything will stand still. you will smile and walk towards me. i might pass out so you may need to lift me up. you will whisper in my ear that this is for real and i aint dreaming like i usually do. i will look after you and cater to your every need; ensure your clothes are ironed properly and that you are well-fed. nothing will matter. we will claim forever and we will be whole again. this love isnt love, its something much more than that. as if you dont already know.

'and if this aint love, i dont know what love is'

zaza at 12:41 pm

9 angels shot me

wishes of a lifetime - tag

illusions tagged me. here are my top 3 wishes. things i hope to do before i die. from least important to most important.

3. build a school in a rural area in Pakistan [i, ofcourse, would be the headmistress] and provide free education. kids in the west have dreams of being pop stars whereas those in the east have dreams of being doctors or something like that. no im not being judgemental. if i cant open a school, i want to help make a difference to children of poor families in Pakistan.

2. get published. write a book entitled Poetick. or something.

1. get YOU. somehow. i dont know how but somehow. i will find a way. i will find you in my destiny, and change destiny if youre not already in it. hold you close and never let go. lalala. he says 'you think you love me but you dont.' come ON...thats just evil, isnt it? thats just an insult...inslut...haha. gonna getcha getcha getcha

zaza at 10:43 am

13 angels shot me

22 Sep 2007

im feeling a bit mad. i dont care who is reading this, or who isnt. i dont care if youre just skimming through this post, coz it will just be a block of writing. yep. no pictures or anything, so any visual and kinesthetic learners can fk off right now. im just going to upload my heart. man. i think ive hit rock bottom. to whom it may concern: this love that i have will make me go absolutely insane, in all honesty, and im scared. whatever i did or whatever i didnt do, i apologize for every single thing. whether i was right or wrong. maybe i have learnt a lesson here. maybe i havent. i dont know anymore. i dont know anything anymore. im too dumb and stupid and i cannot be a calculating fucktard like many others that we know of. maybe thats a life skill that i need to work on. like knives, that sums up their personalities. sweet to your face and once you turn your back for a second, their true colours begin to shine through. and they talk and exchange strings of words that cut you to the soul, let alone bone. and the scars that they leave you with are eternal and they arent ever going away. though when i hold you close, it might dull the pain or when you hold me close it might dull yours. why do we need life skills? why anything? what is the point of anything at all? why do we live lives, knowing we are to die? why do we eat, knowing we are going to crap most of it out? why do we talk, knowing noone gives a shit about what youre saying? maybe we need to work things out, talk, meet up, discuss, communicate, exchange strings of words that only make sense to you and i, let ourselves lose in a world where there is noone but you and i. if youre to go away forever, i want to lock myself in my room and corrode my brain with thoughts of you. if youre to come back, i want to look forward, anticipate, and welcome destiny with open arms. what the heck. maybe i need to have a good cry, but what next? there are no arms to run into, there is no comfort. there is no peace. there is no 'sakoon'...everywhere you look, people are unhappy. caught up in shitty marriages where all you ever do is argue like dogs, caught up in a relationship that you are happy with, stressed out because of one thing or another. if its not this, its that. if its not that, its this. everyone has unexplainable heartaches. crazy. there a million million billion people all around the world, yet this one person that you love has such an impact on you. one person out of a million million billion people.

all those on my MSN have probably noticed my nic - Sylvia Plath. i saw that movie 'Sylvia' a few days ago. awesome. reminded me a little of me. only i havent been published. yet. but ive been published in 3 issues of PULP, and poetry.com hmm. but anyway. my cousin, ushi, said: hey sylvia, i hope youre not planning to commit suicide. hahahoohoohoo the answer to that is no i aint. coz no matter how shit things get, we must keep going. we all have huge sacks of shit on our backs that we have to carry. so another sack wont really matter. some people leave the world and their absense makes you feel hollow, even many years after theyre gone, but you dont exactly give up your life. go crazy missing them but thats about it.

im off.
Lord have mercy on Zazafeefus.
and on all others.

zaza at 8:15 pm

11 angels shot me

R.I.P

i miss you. at times i miss you like mad.
its been 3 years today. Asmaella.
you were always there for me.
i still shed a tear every now and then.
but things are different now.
i hope youre happy wherever you are.
im just waiting for my turn to follow you.
follow you back to where you are now.
we all are waiting for our turn.
my prayers are with you.
Zainaea.

''And I know you're shining down on me from heaven.
Like so many friends we've lost along the way.
And I know eventually we'll be together.
One sweet day''
.Mariah Carey.

zaza at 10:44 am

4 angels shot me

21 Sep 2007

Distorted Nature: refusing to follow Natures Law

The stars are faint
The stubborn sun refuses to shine
The trees, uprooted
The flowers too, bewildered
All painted blue.

The cloud of confusion
The love stained heart
My world without you
Is falling apart.

The birds singing, out of tune
The bees making shit instead of honey
The sucker leech upon your skin
The dependant moon, unable to reflect.

The cloud of confusion
The wounded heart
My world without you
Is falling apart.

The planets rotating the other way
The black hole blacker than ever
Meteors catapulting all over space
The silence of no gravity, threatening.

The cloud of confusion
The ache laden heart
Without you, you see
My world is falling apart.

zaza at 9:35 am

3 angels shot me

20 Sep 2007

rememberus whenus youus triedus tous makeus meus hateus youus? andus itus didntus workus ATUS [fkinus] ALLUS? sous...

canus
youus
tryus
aus
littleus
bitus
harderus
tous
makeus
meus
hateus
youus?


[ speakus tous meus. ]
[ whatus haveus youus
gotus tous loseus? ]

zaza at 9:20 pm

2 angels shot me

HA HA HA HA

-----Original Message-----
From: "SYED.NAQVI" <SYED.NAQVI@student.mmu.ac.uk>
To: ZAINAB.A.BHATTI@student.mmu.ac.uk
Date: Wed, 21 Mar 2007 14:16:57 +0000
Subject: Syed Naqvi
salaaam.
zainab i am syed and looking for the couse option in info & com
can u help me wht couse u select and why
important thing is why u select that couse.....?
iam still confuse to decide advice me if u can ......plz
thanks
Syed Naqvi

-----Original Message-----
From: "ZAINAB.A.BHATTI"
<ZAINAB.A.BHATTI@student.mmu.ac.uk>
To: SYED.NAQVI@student.mmu.ac.uk
Date: Wed, 21 Mar 2007 21:50:47 +0000
Subject: Re: Syed Naqvi
oh yes yes youre in my lecture?
walaikumsalam.im confused too!
the thing is that i dont want to do info comms next year-
i want to do english creative writing and education electives.
i dont know what to do either! :S

-----Original Message-----
From: "SYED.NAQVI" <SYED.NAQVI@student.mmu.ac.uk>
To: ZAINAB.A.BHATTI@student.mmu.ac.uk
Date: Wed, 09 May 2007 15:10:40 +0100
Subject: Syed Naqvi

salaaam. Well I'm not very sure k aap Urdu samajhti hain...
Baat complicated na ho iss liye simpley keh raha hoon....
mujay app say chahat hay is leyah aap se contact rakhna chahta hoon awr issi liye pehly b email ki. perhaps u didint know that Im willing to keep in touch.
Wish u the best 4 ur new course. APPNA SA KIAL RAKYAH GA...

-----Original Message-----
From: "ZAINAB.A.BHATTI" <ZAINAB.A.BHATTI@student.mmu.ac.uk>
To: SYED.NAQVI@student.mmu.ac.uk
Date: Wed, 09 May 2007 20:27:18 +0100
Subject: Re: Syed Naqvi

han bhanchoad.
mashallah mujhay kaafi achi urdu samajh aati hai..
baysharam. ghar mai maa bhan nahi hain?


From:
SYED.NAQVI
To:
ZAINAB.A.BHATTI@student.mmu.ac.uk
Cc:
Date: 05/10/07 12:40 am
Subject: Syed Naqvi

salaaaam. aray is may galyah danay wali kia bat hay ... app wasay be kha sakti the......
apni zuban ka ptha dana zaroori nahi tha....
ber hal hum app say mazrat chay thay hay....
APPNA SA KIAL RAKYAH GA...

zaza at 8:25 pm

12 angels shot me

19 Sep 2007

if war breaks out and you end up as nothing but blood stained skin, i will hold up a piece of your flesh and tell them of a story about the mouth which refused to kiss, the lover who refused to love, and the soul that refused to claim forever. then they will ask me "why? why this? why like that? what happened?" and i will not know what to say, just like when you didnt have anything to say when i questioned you more than a million times. and now youre gone forever.

zaza at 4:36 pm

5 angels shot me

I’ve searched high and low
I’ve searched the skies and further than that
I’ve checked under my pillow
I’ve wept with that tree. The weeping willow
Why isn’t the sun shining and c
aressing me with it's optimistic rays?
Where are you?


I am a bottle. Of thoughts.
And these over powerful thoughts are overflowing.
Drip. Drip. Dripping.

I aint alright coz life aint right.
It’s a simultaneous struggle.
A fight that I won’t win - my sword of truth belittles it self next to magnified lies.

Hope has not got any limbs.
Hope cannot walk one step, let alone walk all over my heart.
Hope is standing still and stagnant.
Hope is hungry,
Hope has not been fed hence is gnawing at itself.

But love is to be held responsible for murder.

zaza at 2:40 pm

0 angels shot me

15 Sep 2007

i wonder what has gotten into me lately.
i cannot believe im saying this.

Yeh Jo Halka Halka Saroor Hai,
Yeh Teri Nazar Ka Kasoor Hai,
Kay Sharab Peena Sikha Diya,
Teri Behki Behki Nigah Nai ,
Mujhe Ik Sharabi Bana Dia.

[ at a glance from the cup-bearer
i gulped the whole cup of wine in one draught
and thus got intoxicated ]


Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan.


i used to think this sorta music was for lame-assed suckers,
or old men waiting for death to come claim them.

noooo. no oh no.
man. i was so so wrong. judgemental.

one song is enough to kill you.
i dont know about his other songs,
but this one is next level shit, i tell you.

partly coz it makes me feel absolutely numb,
partly coz the lyrics are emotionally drenched,
partly coz his voice pierces thy heart,
partly coz it reminds me of a moron who lives in my soul,
and refuses to evaporate.

im still hunting for the Jeff Buckley version.
and im still waiting for him to evaporate...


...knowing it aint ever happening.

zaza at 5:41 pm

10 angels shot me

12 Sep 2007

some of these posts arent even posts.
theyre pieces of my heart.

zaza at 1:08 pm

10 angels shot me

11 Sep 2007

xtremly random thoughts

im telling myself i dont care.
its been forever.
people forget, dont they?
but not me.


cant you just evaporate?
your boiling point is extremely high.
no wonder you cant evaporate from my head.
where on the Periodic Table do you live?


my heart is aching.
and i swear i cant take it anymore.
get out of my head, dammit.

im angry coz it hurts.
i shouldnt.
who am i to feel angry?
im nothing. invisible.
you cant see me.


love. haha. love, dammit love.
we all know what love is. don't we?


my love has touched the skies,
and now the skies are bursting open.

its something out of this world.


where
are
you?

zaza at 10:05 pm

8 angels shot me

10 Sep 2007

before and after



smile!
dont forget the worth of your teeth, theyre special. no matter how big they are.

zaza at 3:07 pm

11 angels shot me

9 Sep 2007

My power ranger
Is leaving me in a danger zone
He considers me a stranger
I’m the yellow one,
Your yellow one, alone,
Your prized possession
Am I? I bloody wish.

I love him more every single day
In such a way
That he hasn’t the slightest clue.
If only he knew, dammit,
[ Why can’t I just say? ]
We aren’t through,
If only he knew.

Even if he grew
A head or two
I would still love him
More than ever.

Crazy existence
My stupid persistence?

He calls me a liar
He takes me higher

He makes one slight move
And my whole world is set on fire.


‘A warning sign came back to haunt me but I was too much of a moron to realize that you were an island to discover.’

zaza at 6:37 pm

4 angels shot me

Their faces are familiar
They’re my work mates, I think

They havent got dates,
They giggle and fall
On top of each other
They smile at me
And I blush
One of them brushes his hand
Against my butt
I want to tell him to fuck off
to Lalaland.
But it’s not his fault
His mind isn’t all there
He blows me a kiss

Partial bliss
And my stomach does a somersault

The next day at work
I try talking to him

I almost trip on my shoe
He blanks me out, completely

I accept defeat, but,
Forgotten yesterday, have you?


Drunken bastard moron

zaza at 11:46 am

3 angels shot me

8 Sep 2007

All his meanings are destroyed

Life is a complex puzzle
With the core pieces missing
The lionesses are bitching
While the harmless snakes are hissing

The puzzle parts are scattered
The lonely soul is battered
Her left eye is twitching
The disgruntled lovers are kissing
While their insides are hopelessly shattered

The lionesses are now tame
The disgruntled lovers
Still on a partner hunt
Can’t even remember each others name
And the lonely soul, you wonder?
Well... Keep wondering. Sucker.

zaza at 12:07 pm

7 angels shot me

7 Sep 2007

video

zaza at 10:38 am

3 angels shot me

6 Sep 2007

We grew up hearing stories about him from our dadi jee (God rest her soul in peace) and we used to love it. All the grand children (ushi, me, ash, lali etc) used to gather around our dadi jees divan and listen to her tell stories. There used to be a holiday on 6th September because of what the day symbolized. There used to be a parade on the border where dada jee took his last breath on 11th September. An army van used to come pick us up on the 6th September to take us to the border. All the kiddies felt like royalty. We sat in VIP seats, drank lemonade, ate sugar coated almonds and walked along the canal. Things have change since then. Some people passed away. Some moved out of country etc.

Anyway. I could rattle on forever. Happy defense day everyone.

zaza at 9:43 am

6 angels shot me

4 Sep 2007

Every single one of us is in love.

Almost all the blogs I came across are written by people who are literally dying for someone who doesn’t seem to give two shits about how they feel.

She loves him, he doesn’t love her, he loves another girl, this other girl doesn’t love him, this other girl loves someone else, and this someone else doesn’t love this girl. Etc.

I wish I was numb all of a sudden.
I wish I couldn’t feel.

I wish for so much more.

It hurts so much that I don’t know what to do anymore.

zaza at 7:28 pm

7 angels shot me

2 Sep 2007

Raymond Cochrane is the best person ever.

zaza at 12:42 pm

0 angels shot me

1 Sep 2007

'you write like youre about to die'
[ if only you knew ]

zaza at 10:35 pm

3 angels shot me