31 May 2008
free styler - back the fuck up and let me be.typing completely off the top of my head. excuse the language and any spelling or grammar.
you bitch. do not look at me like that. i will grab you by the hair and shove your head through this glass table. i will beat these silver forks on your head till blood comes pouring out of your dramatic eyes, like red rain. red; the colour of love, but bleed your fucking eyes out all you want. i hate you so. i hope you die choking on your own beautiful breath, laden with O2. i hope this o2 changes to H2SO4 in your lungs. impossible i know, but hey, nothing in this world is impossible. right? i hope you cry yourself to sleep and i hope you drown in your own tears. i hope you fall from the sky into a fluffy cloud of white, and then i hope this cloud turns into a big bright flame and laps up every inch of your human skin. do not tell me what to do. when have i ever listened to you in the first place? i do not care about you and your fucked up head so please. back the fuck up and let me be. please.
why did you go away, without a warning sign? if i knew we were to part, i would have spent the whole night sat by your bedside, watching you and listening to you breathe your last breath. i would have let you have my life instead. i would have asked God to transfer my soul into your body, then take yours away. i would have tried harder to make you happier. i would have wanted you to tell me what you dreamt to see me as in the future. you would have spoken and i would have taken notes but now its too late and there is no turning back or no fast forward. im stuck in this moment and there is no where to run to. there are no arms for me to run into, as my eyes shed rain and create a storm. i will be struck by lightening and no one will care. get out of my head and one day out of my life. theres the door, ive held it open for such a long time now. out you go or just back the fuck up and let me be.
if i knew how things were going to be, i never would have given you my consent. actually now that i think about it, i didnt give you my consent at all. you made me give you consent, as you have always done. you tricked me again with your evil ways. i have endless debates in my head and wonder if i should hate you or love you. if i hate you, why should i hate you? thats easy, i can come up with an endless list as to why i should hate you. but why should i love you? why should i? why should i even try when i am fully aware of the consequences? youre so selfish and a hypocrite, amongst many other things. i hate you and i have tried so much to make it obvious, but you do not understand. you fail to understand, or you do not try hard enough, or both. there is so much that you dont know of. there is so much that i dont want to tell you. there is so much i dont want to include you in so back the fuck up and let me be.
my mind is being raped. thats how i feel like this very minute.
back the fuck up and let me be.
back the fuck up and let me be.
(repeat till fade)
zaza at 10:40 pm
29 May 2008carrie and mr big make plans to get married. he doesnt turn up to the wedding. they break up for a while but at the end they get married in a small ceremony. he proposes with a shoe!
charlotte finally gets pregnant and has a baby girl.
miranda separates from her husband but they end up getting back together.
samantha separates from her gorgeous boyfriend because she feels like she doesnt have enough time for herself.
for those of you who are waiting to watch the Sex and the City movie, i love you very much but im sorry.
zaza at 1:17 pm
25 May 2008listen to carry me down by demon hunter.
you might sink in a hole
and your insides might die.
he said walk the world and i will love you again.
so i did. and he didnt.
and purely for the love of being Queen of Random,
here is a picture of my (rather colourful) softboard.
zaza at 1:12 pm
23 May 2008knock knock.
zaza at 5:15 pm
17 May 2008upon smoking, he said: 'ajeeb hai. marnay ka showk tumhay hai...magar marnay ka tareeka meray pass hai'
ha. creativity all round. so whats been happening there where you are?
the Sun seems to have left us again,
and we are being reunited with grey skies, despite not wanting to.
hurray. so miserable. life.
the only thing left to do is eat and eat till i literally explode.
or would that be suicide?
zaza at 9:44 pm
13 May 2008im absolutely loving the Sun,
it sortof keeps me from going insane.
im kindof confused and spaced out.
i feel wierd. numb, perhaps, but i know not why.
i dont understand who is reading my blog,
but clearly many people are!
because the counter thing keeps increasing.
im trying to research into why tattoos are haram
because i would like one.
"May Allaah curse the women who do tattoos and those for whom tattoos are done, those who pluck their eyebrows and those who file their teeth for the purpose of beautification and alter the creation of Allaah." (al-Bukhaari, al-Libaas, 5587; Muslim, al-Libaas, 5538).
so thats out of the window. but i think i can get a semi permanent one. or can i?
zaza at 11:46 pm
11 May 2008
Elizabeth Dunn: Have you ever loved anyone so much you didn't care what happened to yourself? You just had to be with them. If they look at you, your heart stops. If you feel their breath on your skin, you just ache. Have you ever craved anyone so much you didn't exist any more?
Dr. Philippa Horwood: No.
Elizabeth Dunn: I have.
i watched it last night. oh man what awesomeness. super film. i absolutely loved it.
zaza at 9:56 am
10 May 2008i just dyed my hair 'cosmic blue'
zaza at 7:36 pm
8 May 2008dua: weapon of the believer
zaza at 7:50 pmsometimes, just sometimes, its never too late.
zaza at 2:39 pm
5 May 2008shisha and music from Race.
dance. fun. fun. high.
deep red painted toe nails.
learning to love my feet again.
scraping money together and getting a takeaway.
priceless little moments.
memories growing wild in my insane mind.
gotta hate my brother, at times, but;
gotta love my brother, at times.
zaza at 10:36 pm
2 May 2008home for the weekend. food all around. i love food. for me, its an addiction. im trying to cut down though because ive been eating like an animal. ive also begun to use the treadmill again. there is so much going on in my head. i wish i could take out my brain and let it rest. or something. because by the looks of it, if i dont stop thinking so fucking much, my head will explode and dislocated itself from its designated location. uni is out for the summer, but ill still be at my manchester place next week and the week after. exams went well, thankfully, considering that all my revision was done in one night. yes literally. its tahas birthday today. hes 4 years old. gawd how time flies. horrible. hmm. what else. he keeps haunting me but im trying to push him out of my head. he just wont flush out completely, that stubborn piece of shit. what assholes all species of men are. sons of bitches. i hate them. i feel somewhat like a feminist. heck, i am a feminist. thats a different story. anyway. summer is almost here and that can only mean one thing: hayfever is back, which means i look awful. my eyes just wont stop itching, and they become all puffy. the sneezing and nose dripping is awful but its not that bad yet because its just starting. apparently, 80% of us will suffer from it this time.
right im off for now.
zaza at 12:21 pm