31 May 2012
Are these cracks getting deeper or are my eyes deceiving me? You are haunting my dreams and ripping me apart at the seams. Is it getting better or am I simply believing that it is getting better when it is not? Optimism was never a good friend of mine. I doubt it will lend me a hand to hold now, or caress my soul. But as they say, this too shall pass. There is a light at the end of every dark tunnel and all that. I am loving Florence + the Machine and Keane at the moment. Cosmic love and Sovereign Light Café. I am also rethinking ‘life’ and the changes I need to make. Yesterday, someone said ‘God deserves more than to be your acquaintance.’ True. I think we need to count our blessings when things don’t seem to be going our way. I think we need to take other people into consideration. I know I have not always done that, but believe me when I say I am paying the price now. Karma is a bitch.
zaza at 12:57 pm
30 May 2012
The well of sadness is so full that I am at the risk of drowning. My smile has gone and I can feel myself frowning. To the world, a smile is enough to let them know you are ok, but what am I to do with this sadness; this dwindling downward spiral that keeps pulling me under? The tides are so high that they engulf me from every corner, and I have no choice but to drown, if only to survive yet again. Maybe I am going through a helpless phase at the moment but this too shall pass. It is not nice to be bombarded by alien emotions and feelings you thought were extinct. I must carry on and keep going even though my feet can no longer carry me and my legs are threatening to give way; it will only get better. The downward spiral will soon snap, and perhaps pierce my heart, but at least it would have broken. Time will tell and time will cure, as time is a healer of ambiguous thoughts. The blurry clouds in my head will soon disappear, and it will be like they never existed. The Sun will shine through my mind and make me whole again with its healing element. I feel like I have been stuck in this long queue for a while now, but hope is near. Until then, I must keep holding onto those invisible rays of optimism and faith that keep me feeling like I have a reason to wake up in the morning, a reason to smile, a reason to be happy; a reason to live...
zaza at 7:46 pm
18 May 2012
How dare you attack me from every angle, knowing it is piercing my broken heart? I sit here with my broken pen and begin to write, knowing we are worlds apart and will never be one, never reunite, never be whole. There is an unexplainable pain, a sadness that I don’t have the words to explain. Why does it not go away when I close my eyes? Maybe you can have a word with this pain, tell it to leave me alone. Maybe you can burn it, like you burnt me. I can still feel the flames on my naked skin. An unexplainable sadness lingers – it must be in the air that I breathe. You must be in the air I inhale. You must be the cause of my sadness. Are you? If you knew would you tell me?
zaza at 12:18 am
17 May 2012
Heart String Snapper.Do you care? With your dewy eyes and stony stare? Is your heart there, where it should be? Are you blind or just oblivious to what you see? Is your mind missing, or is it just me? My minds eye can see right through you. Take off your trendy trainers and try putting on my shoes. I wear my heart upon my sleeve but the scar that I bear upon it is something that you obviously fail to see. Maybe you will never know what it feels like to be me. Not that I want you to. We all bear big burdens and sometimes these scars run way too deep. When you think the bad times are gone, sit alone and watch them creep up and engulf you entirely. When the good times roll, trust me when I say the bad times are not so far away. My tears flow steadily and you fail to see them falling. Ignore my pleas and my silent calling, as you have always done. The world offers no hand to hold when you are out in the cold, letting your heart unfold. And when you are on your hands and knees crawling, you might just realise that I feel this way because I care.
© Zainab Bhatti
zaza at 11:12 pm
9 May 2012
sunk.It has just been one of those days where nothing makes sense and nothing goes right, but my definition of right may be your definition of wrong. the rain and the absolutely miserable is not helping. just fed up. I am missing my homeland. A lot. Not to mention my family. And just generally choking on nostalgia. Repeatedly. I know many many peoples lives are and that I should be grateful for what I have, and trust me I am. But what do you with feelings that you just cannot push aside? Feelings that keep attacking you from all angles? It's like you are covered head to toe in honey, and the feelings are in the form of a thousand buzzy bees, if not more. I feel a little numb on the inside. Funny how you have to wear a smile and face the world, though the world inside you might be breaking and falling apart. Maybe it was already broken and you have only just realised. So who is going to put it all back together? Mend it? Place the pieces of jigsaw where they belong? Sew your seams that have come apart? Who? Your other half? God? Yourself? A combination of all three? None of these?
Has the ship already sunk? Have you come to find the remains?
zaza at 10:26 pm