pages of my burning life

2011-10-27T21:14:00.001+01:00

http://www.poetick.co.uk/

2011-09-01T19:38:00.002+01:00

I need to be free.

When words fail me and my heart is on the verge of crumbling to little pieces, I feel like my lease may have have come to an end. Maybe i should have been freed from these chains a long time ago. I cannot explain the pain that has taken over my entire self in an instant. Thank you for making me realise my worth, but now i must return to be buried under the earth that has been dug up for me. Gone are the days when i was yours and you were mine. I am running out of time.

Free me, please, from these chains of life. I need to soar, I need to fly.

2011-08-10T13:03:00.003+01:00

do not judge me. in any way, shape or form. take a look at yourself before making comments and putting other people down, you talentless loser.

i feel rather gutted, like something is sinking in my stomach. maybe my heart, that has been in bits for quite some time now. there comes a time when you just dont want to hide behind a fake smile anymore; a time when your scars wear themselves on your sleeve, without your approval or consent.

over and out.

2011-08-08T13:08:00.002+01:00

I want some style/fashion advice. desperately.

I wish I had a personal stylist.

I want some more followers on twitter, please.

http://twitter.com/#!/crazymuslim

its been raining cats and dogs! nothing new.

bored and hungry.

random.

boom.

soul in my learning curve.

2011-07-25T21:24:00.004+01:00

i am a dreamer. i see things you dont. i can see beneath the obvious; far and beyond. but not to infinity. i will leave that for Buzz Lightyear. i have learnt that not everyone can see things the way i do, and thats fine.

i am stubborn. when i make decisions, i stick to them. even though the world will tell me i am in the wrong. but i dont care, because i dont want to care. it is my decision, and mine alone. right or wrong. i make mistakes and learn from them, just like you. i am human, in case you failed to notice. behind my smile, i too carry pain.

i cannot stand men who abuse and misuse their status as 'man' - i hate people who are the worlds biggest hypcocrites, and talk about religion as if they are so pious and 'religious.' i cannot stand 2 faced people, and have learnt from my mistakes to keep distance. i have learnt that to some people, i may be a 2 faced idiot. and thats fine too.

i have learnt that there is a lot of soul and energy in my learning curve of life, and this life in my learning curve is increasing everyday. i am more aware.

and that is fine.

2011-07-25T19:42:00.000+01:00

the one who tried to be fashionable, but never quite got it right.

2011-07-06T21:50:00.001+01:00

The dressing table mirror,
Plates, cups, saucers,
Your beloved mobile
My glass eye, your sunglasses
My camera, your framed photo
My Phillips shaver, your toothbrush
Your window, my door handle
Your nails, my teeth
The television or
The vase with the glass rose
Your laptop, my precious CD’s
Our dog’s back bone,

Darling, sweet darling,
Of all the things you could break,
Why did you break my heart?

Zainab Bhatti

2011-07-06T21:42:00.002+01:00

I do hope I can revive my blog with words, for words are all I have.

literally.

2011-07-06T21:37:00.001+01:00

Your white vest
has a hole
on the top corner
on the right.

Your blue boxers
are hanging low
and are not
where they are supposed to go.

Theres a beauty spot
on your you know what

See?

i saw right through you.

zainab bhatti

2011-07-06T21:28:00.000+01:00

I really like the poem 'IF' by Rudyard Kipling.

2011-07-06T21:13:00.002+01:00

I think I am back.

Wounds have healed.
The pain now is distant and dim.
Like a shining star?

I think I am back.
Stronger. And I'll be here for longer.
But I am not sure.

2011-03-29T17:42:00.001+01:00

i wonder if you still visit my blog and leave electronic footprints.

2011-03-29T17:41:00.000+01:00

2011-02-04T22:30:00.001Z

and when it was time to walk away, you ran.

2011-01-27T14:41:00.002Z

Taha: "i want a new brother!"

Mum: "Cant get u one now,"

Taha: "Just grow one!! Eat lots and lots of food so you get really fat, and go to the doctor and tell him to take it out of your tummy..but eat all the food in the world first to get fat.."

2011-01-26T21:04:00.000Z

dear God.

thank You. lots.

2011-01-12T19:20:00.002Z

Everything happens for the best. eventually, everything slots into place and you think ah! now i get it! we come across things in life that help us change for the better. i will end this post before i have even started it. i hope everyone is doing well and i hope your troubles slot into place when the time is right. Peace. x

your time to shine.

2010-11-19T22:49:00.003Z

i fought, i swore, you died and then i cried and wished i valued you more instead of just walking out the door when you needed me most as you hopped from door to door and travelled from coast to coast.

there is something within me that has broken beyond repair and pain stares at me, totally aware that i can never have you and you are not there. sometimes the pain dulls down but sometimes it comes back with a vengence, teaching me a thing or two about putting myself in other peoples shoe.

sometimes i bleed and try not to pay heed to the stone that makes me stumble and fall to the floor as i crumble.

there are some things in this world that are beyond our reach and they teach us a few things and highlight the pain that this world is bound to bring.

i dont blog now but i am glad i have not shut this place down because i guess its something i can turn to when the going gets tough.

peace.

2010-10-07T23:45:00.000+01:00

omg. omg. omg. omg. omg. omg. omg. omg. omg.

2010-08-30T22:39:00.001+01:00

the script!

2010-08-06T15:18:00.001+01:00

bitch, please.

the big move

2010-06-30T22:15:00.002+01:00

i am being a traitor and going to a different world: moving to wordpress.
can i say thank you to everyone who has ever been on my crazy world here?
i will post a link up soon.

its been good,
peace.

2010-04-03T01:17:00.001+01:00

my dear God. help me please in times of happiness and in times of distress, for without You i am a hopeless nobody.

2010-03-30T23:07:00.000+01:00

the distance seemed to far for him.

2010-03-12T16:03:00.003Z

its been a while so thought id drop by with a thought or two to make your mind tick.

its nice to be important but its important to be nice.

hello sunshine, come into my life.

2010-02-11T22:59:00.000Z

John Mayer.

GOD.

2010-02-08T00:15:00.001Z

Flowers are caressed with passionate showers

Time poses a threat with its endless hours

Misery takes a walk through my mind

Hand in hand with madness, openly unkind

Tears form and slowly solidify

Face the pain, he said, but do not cry

Those who laugh at you and criticize

Fail to see the world through your eyes

In my heart soundly sleep dead dreams

They tear me apart right at the seams

A flower of pain blossoms inside

Leaving me with remains that I try to hide

Conceal everything with a wrecked smile

Broken memories lay in a cluttered pile

I try and join them together once more

Nostalgia and heartache galore

2010-01-29T13:00:00.000Z

sometimes, to make you aware of all your blessings, God makes things go wrong.

2010-01-12T22:40:00.000Z

i miss taha :(

2010-01-08T14:24:00.003Z

define crazy. something that doesn't fit the norm? someone with slightly different beliefs to yours? you're crazy if you say something wrong at the wrong time, you're crazy for not agreeing with what people think, you're crazy for not having an opinion of your own. you're crazy for not caring about people yet you're crazy for caring too much. you might upset the balance by going to extremes. am i the only one who thinks its OK to be an extremist for a good cause? is it wrong to smother someone in love? is it wrong to case them in a shell and shower them with affection? i write, for writing helps me breathe. words give meaning to feelings i cant use my mouth to explain. genuine words that come from the heart are a gift from God. am i crazy that i think that way? words give meaning to drops of tears that fall. words help me gain my sanity when i feel like i have lost it all. is it wrong that my words flow whenever i feel my pain beginning to grow? there is a river of pain running through every one of us, and whoever denies that is a liar. we deal with this river in different ways but the existence of this river cannot be questioned. shoot me if i'm talking shit.

sanity is like a flickering light switch. when will it die out completely, i wonder. nothing is ever certain and absolutely nothing lasts forever.

2010-01-07T11:31:00.003Z

the parents are flying out to Egypt tomorrow and the sister is going back to university while i am stuck in shitty Burnley with nothing fun to do. im missing Taha already.

2010-01-05T22:44:00.003Z

greetings and salutations,

here i am. alive and still breathing. some of you are glad to hear that where as some of you probably wish my breathing would stop. well tough because evil doesnt die young. haha. enough of that. HOW ARE YOU Mr Blog? i dont know what made me miss you enough to update you. just breathing some life into you i am. just doing my good deed for the day. might make this a regular habit. lots has happened since i last wrote. i am no longer single, searching for a soul mate and all that jazz. yeehaar. its been snowing - 3 inches and getting deeper. its expected to be 10 inch by friday! imagine! everytime i plan to make a snowman family, something comes in the way. today i wore two pairs of gloves, a scarf, my trusty hat, a coat - and headed out to the front yard. the snow was really soft and almost fluffy and i suddenly couldnt be arsed making a snowman family. took some pictures in the snow and thats about it really.

i suppose in many respects, life is the same. but atleast i have something (gorgeous!) to look forward to everyday. heres to a weird sense of happiness, new beginnings and not being single anymore. clink!

2009-12-07T20:58:00.001Z

getting married.

actually getting married.

zomG!

2009-08-26T19:29:00.001+01:00

wet sand - RCHP

ive graduated. and it still hasnt sunk in yet.

2009-07-16T21:05:00.000+01:00

2009-07-10T23:18:00.001+01:00

i dont know, but i remember.
and dont you ever forget that.

2009-06-14T20:47:00.002+01:00

'you speak of my love like you have experienced love

like mine before' - Alanis Morissette.

2009-06-06T23:03:00.000+01:00

are YOU right in the head?

2009-06-06T14:54:00.002+01:00

on the surface things may appear whole but below the surface, things are broken to the point that they are beyond repair and in need of being discarded. sure the sun may shine after a spell of rain but the rain may turn into a storm. a storm is what it is right now. even when the sun shines, it feels like a storm and i know not why. maybe i do know but i just dont want to acknowledge it. yet.

2009-06-05T19:15:00.002+01:00

i dont want to face and embrace the truth when theres so much heartache behind it. i would much rather live my life in sheer denial.

2009-06-04T10:28:00.000+01:00

not looking forward to getting my graduation pictures taken today.

2009-06-02T11:31:00.000+01:00

"So break me down if it makes you feel right, and hate me now if it keeps you alright, you can break me down if it takes all your might cos im so much more than all your life."

Seether ♥

2009-05-29T00:55:00.000+01:00

i have truly loved but once.

damn.

2009-05-28T23:27:00.001+01:00

JAI HO

2009-05-15T01:19:00.000+01:00

love is not funny.

2009-03-23T10:58:00.000Z

ask for cheese. you might get the moon.

2009-02-25T05:38:00.000Z

roya re. dil roya re.

2009-02-21T23:29:00.000Z

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

2009-02-14T13:00:00.000Z

you mama dont dance and your daddy dont rock n roll.

PLEASE can you do this?

2009-02-10T14:59:00.003Z

As a group of students at the University of Manchester we are currently occupying the Simon Building in response to the situation in Gaza. We have been in constant occupation of University buildings since the afternoon of Wednesday 4th February. One way in which you can help the occupation realise its demands is to continue the pressure on the University’s intransigent Vice-Chancellor Alan Gilbert. Please send your messages to him at president@manchester.ac.uk, and CC them to us at supporttheoccupation@googlemail.com. Feel free to use the model letter below, or to compose your own (but please bear in mind, abusive messages will not help the cause).

In solidarity,
Manchester Students in Occupation.

________________________________________________

Professor Gilbert,

I am writing in solidarity with the students currently occupying spaces within Manchester University. Universities around the country have responded constructively to student demands, and taken concrete measures to help their colleagues in the Gaza strip. I trust that Manchester will not be the exception to this rule, and that the University will not interfere with these peaceful and overwhelming positive actions.To remain silent in the face of oppression is to side with the oppressor. It would be unthinkable for the University to ignore the pleas of the people of Gaza, or to reject the growing demands for solidarity from the student body and civil society. I hereby call on the University to answer the demands of the students in occupation.

We are thousands, we are millions. We are all Palestinians.

Yours,
(your name)

2009-01-25T22:30:00.002Z

ok. i dont want to write a 2000 word essay and bore you to death, but the BBC is refusing to broadcast that Gaza is in urgent need for aid. i swear people are dying as im writing this post. can you please make a complaint to the bbc. if you cant be arsed writing your own, just copy paste mine, which i copied from my friend. go to the link below. i swear to God it will take you less than 5 mins.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/complaints/complaints_stage1.shtml

to whom it may concern,

I do not know whether it is yourself or your strings pulled by your puppeteers’ that wish for the DEC appeal of Gaza not to be aired. But I do know that the bbc has lost it’s right to associate itself with journalism. Not only have you throughout the latest genocide in Gaza shown a bias towards israel you seem to conveniently give misleading numbers to the public regarding public rally’s opposing the genocide.

It’s not just the fact that you are clearly inhumane, it is the fact that this is my hard earned money to find yourselves are inept in conveying the truth - take note journalism is supposed to promote that. I will be sure to not renew by licence with yourselves and I am going to encourage everyone else I know to do the same. Why should we pay for lies? Not only does my boycott make economical sense, but moral too.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

[Your name]

2009-01-08T14:50:00.000Z

haule haule.

2008-12-30T17:33:00.001Z

Why do you identify with rock music?

What are the values that you share with others who listen to this kind of music?

What has shaped these values?

3 things

2008-12-25T12:00:00.002Z

merry christmas.

this is random but if youre on facebook, could you please join this group

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/group.php?gid=45890396026

its just to show my love for my cousin, im trying to get as many people to join. even if you are strangers it doesnt matter.

does anyone know any remedies for a sore throat? my throat is KILL.ING.

2008-12-15T00:33:00.001Z

straight from my heart come these words.

and im hurting. again.

Me against the past ??

2008-11-29T23:18:00.001Z

Stop it. Quit haunting me. I don’t want you so stop wanting me. You attack me with your battle gun. I cry but for you this is fun that has only just begun. You place your hands on your hips, look towards me and lick your lips. I shut my eyes and mute my cries, try to blank you out as you keep inching closer. Without a doubt you have won. I am weak and forever yours. You begin to devour my mind. I cannot remember very well, but I am certain that this gesture of yours is unkind. So I just sit in a dark hole, waiting to see the light so I can be whole again.

Allah Hu Akbar.
gotta love life.
gotta keep going no matter what.

2008-11-18T10:50:00.003Z

and the one who you thought was the closest to you was the one who was the furthest apart.
this is life.
and these are the scars of my heart.

2008-10-27T00:22:00.000Z

I sit, slightly lean forward, and wrap my arms around my head. I cry as if someone close to me has forever gone to bed. I shed unlimited tears as I carefully try to ignore my fears. And no one comes. So I stand, wipe my nose on my clothes, laugh, pretend that everything is grand. And the whole world then begins to run after me, you see.

Another. And Another.

2008-10-07T12:14:00.002+01:00

Another thoughtless fight,

Another lonesome night,

Another jumbled thought,

Penned down carefully,

On a sheet of winter white,

Another heart, broken,

Another string of words,

In my throat, unspoken,

Another barren flowerpot,

Another scar, a love token,

Another unheard scream,

Another forsaken dream,

Another act of kindness,

Sooner than later forgot,

Another disguised blessing,

And careful undressing,

Pressing against my soul,

Making me complete,

Making me whole,

Another sky of life,

Coloured in a subtle shade of blue,

Have I found another love?

Have I found another you?

2008-10-03T10:33:00.002+01:00

im going to shut this place down in about a week.

so any comments will be appriciated.

im going to save the template

incase i ever want to blog again.

but this is it. its over!

its been good.

take care.

2008-09-28T19:30:00.000+01:00

kisses for Manchester!

2008-09-16T20:45:00.002+01:00

atleast my shoes dont need to be dull and lifeless and sad and grey and blue.

so i scribbled on them with permanent paint pens.

looks great, no?

'cos its a bittersweet symphony, this life'

2008-09-13T22:58:00.001+01:00

'everyday im psychoanalyzed
for my lover for my lover
they dope me up and i tell them lies
for my lover for my lover' - Tracy Chapman.

i havent blogged in a while so thought i would give birth to random words and even more random thoughts that have been circling around my head for a while now.

nothing!

my mind is blank. there is not a dot of thought in my head. love. he is such a steep mountain that no paths of love are to reach him. oh. i still love. sometimes i think what would happen if the other person knew just how much effort was being put into writing one text. i mean. just to text: 'how are you?' or 'whats been happening?', it takes me a day, sometimes two. i write it, save it, read through it over and over, over and over, imagine his reaction and think a million times about wether he will reply or not. it has come to a point where i have just learnt how to accept and live with this eternal love and endless suffering. either i have learnt or i am still learning. one thing i know for sure is that regardless of anything, he will always have a sacred place in my broken heart. unconditional love. maybe some people dont realise just how much another mortal can love them and eventually when they do realise, it might be just a bit too late for anything to happen. or perhaps they do know how much someone loves them but they may have issues of their own. either way, you cant win. can you?

some things just dont work, and wont work for reasons that are beyond our understanding. sometimes we dont come to terms with things, not because we havent got the mental strength tp come to terms with them, but because we dont want to come to terms with them. because we dont want to accept how things are for us. because we dont want to accept that we have lost a part of our life. sometimes, whatever happens is for the best of everyone. you may think its not fair and what not but later down the line, perhaps a few years later, you might realise. dont waste your life living in guilt because you will end up nowhere. to an extent, we all are masters of our own disasters. we need to make mistakes and repeat these mistakes, and only then will we learn. i am starting to think that everyone gets what they deserve, and that includes me.

we all are flames, slowly burning out. we live like we have forever, yet we cant stay for long. like when a candle burns out and the wick comes to point where it cannot be lit again. even after my candle burns out, an essense of love will remain and i hope you are surrounded by it forever.

2008-09-01T05:06:00.001+01:00

'hummay kaash tum se mohabbat na hoti'
immortal love.

ramadan begins today.
ramadan mubarik.

x

2008-08-31T22:22:00.002+01:00

5 Facebook safety tips

A new report published by the Better Business Bureau (BBB) of British Columbia says young people are exposing themselves to identify theft by posting personal information on the Internet, especially on social networking sites, such as Facebook.

If you, or your kids, are spending time on Facebook – and many millions of Canadians are – then take heed to the following tips on better protecting yourself or loved ones from online scams (and sexual predators). Much of the same advice can be used for other networking sites such as MySpace and MSN Spaces.

1. Never give out personal information

Posting your name on your Facebook profile page is perfectly reasonable, but you need not list your address, birth date, phone number, work details or any other private information a malicious person can use against you. Also be cautious about what kinds of photos your kids are posting, in case they reveal personal info such as a photo of them in front of their school sign. Remember to remind your kids to never ever meet a new Facebook "friend" in real life.

2. Close your network

Rather than making your profile public to everyone – meaning all your details pop up if someone types in your name or clicks on your name on someone else's site – you can choose to close your Facebook network to everyone except for a small group of friends. Further, when you accept a friend request, don't be afraid to click the box that says "limit my profile." On that note, don't feel obligated to accept a friend request from someone you don't know.

3. Watch your wall

You might do a good job keeping personal info off your main page but your friends or coworkers might blow it. Example: you're going on vacation and leaving your house vacant for a week, so you don't broadcast this information on the Internet. Except a dim friend or two writes on your public wall – for all to see -- something like "Dude, have fun in Mexico this week! Bring me home some tequila!" Sigh, be sure to remove these comments ASAP. You might be tempted to ask a friend to remove these comments while you're away -- but remember to change your Facebook password when you come back in case you ever get in a fight with this person.

4. Be wary of forms

Thousands of third-party Facebook applications can add to the site's functionality, be it trivia games, video posts, astrology, and so forth. While free, many of these companies like to collect names for marketing purposes, so be aware of forms you might be asked to fill out forms in order to use their application. Don't fill out every field if you don't feel comfortable about it (such as a residential street address) and if it's mandatory, consider another application or make up the information (123 Sesame Street).

5. Use email messages

Remember, someone's Facebook wall can be viewed by anyone, so before you post a comment or question to it, ask yourself if it's better as a private email, which only the Facebook user can read. Similar to tip #3 (above), you might upset the person you're writing if it contains personal information, but also be cautious of what information you're revealing about yourself, such as "Hey, here's my new cell phone number!"

2008-08-22T18:44:00.002+01:00

i know im taking it a bit far
but WHY SO SERIOUS??

2008-08-19T14:17:00.003+01:00

the ghosts of my past are coming apart at the seams.

shred up, sucker!

shred yourself up in a way that i can never mend you, ever again.

2008-08-18T21:09:00.002+01:00

hello all you happy people.

today i ate 6 samosas in one sitting. no im not kidding and no they werent those tiny ones. they were the proper size ones. my friend had just 2. she said that having 2 was normal. was she indirectly suggesting that having 6 was abnormal? am i abnormal for eating 6 or not? she said i shocked her, i liked that though. i love shocking people. she said it would have been understandable if a guy ate that much. should i have been a guy?

things are taking a new turn, for the best. life is good. ha i havent said that in a while. guess its true. God really does help those who help themselves. we should never give up when the going gets tough because pulling through it really pays off. its not good to repeat yourself. just say it once and if the other person gets it, fair. if they dont get it, pick up your pieces and move on because they arent worth it. somewhere along the line, they will realise.

bye from me until next time.

2008-08-16T21:12:00.001+01:00

quit blogging?

cos life is quite alright without it?

what you say?

2008-08-12T23:44:00.002+01:00

remember death.

youre either going to die soon. or sooner.

may Allah forgive us for our sins, and bestow His mercy on each and everyone of us.

InshAllah.

2008-08-05T20:50:00.002+01:00

every man is in some kind of crisis. eternal crisis?
every person is searching for inner contentment.
escapism. hiding from reality.
camouflaging pain behind a broken smile. but how long for?
where does happiness live? where can i buy some, please?

some things cannot be expressed in any words, in any language.

2008-08-03T01:07:00.002+01:00

my head doesnt listen to my heart, my heart screams. my head doesnt listen to my heart, my heart screams louder. my head never listens to my heart. either my head doesnt own any functioning ears or my heart just isnt screaming loud enough.

2008-07-26T22:00:00.003+01:00

i can always see the sunset from my window.

everyday its a different colour. here is a picture.

the sun sinking behind the clouds just as how youve sunk into my heart.

only the sun rises again the next day, but you? you! you are forever embedded within me.

engraved in my heart. etched in my mind. running through my blood. gnawing at my soul.

you. i love you.

2008-07-24T19:48:00.002+01:00

nothing feels better than helping out someone in need.

nothing feels better than just-washed straightened hair.

nothing feels better than eating junk till youre about to explode.

nothing feels better than singing along to your favourite song, knowing the windows are breaking.

nothing feels better than being careless, thoughtless and free, sometimes.

nothing feels better than passing an exam that you didnt study for at all.

nothing feels better than to pen down words that come straight from the heart.

nothing feels better than getting down on your knees and praying.

nothing feels better than laughing till your heart is content.

nothing feels better than dancing crazily, knowing you suck big time.

and nothing feels worse than having to go against Natures Law.

and nothing feels worse than saying 'i love you', really meaning it, but at the same time knowing he doesnt care at all.

2008-07-21T23:44:00.002+01:00

i havent been blogging lately. its not that i dont have anything to say but that i have too much to say and i havent got words to say it with or i have words but i dont have the skill as to how i should string them together. but i know that once i start writing i wont stop and id rather not do that. because lets admit it, it becomes monotonous and boring for you to read about the same thing over and over, even though sometimes i emotionally die whilst writing.

ending abruptly.
i'll be around.

2008-07-10T21:28:00.001+01:00

♥ john mayer.

on yer bike!

2008-07-09T18:09:00.001+01:00

2008-07-02T21:43:00.002+01:00

heres an incomplete version of the button cushion. nothing pro but atleast i can say that i know how to stitch buttons.

the button theif

2008-06-29T23:43:00.003+01:00

yesssss. im not that useless after all. ive learnt how to stitch. in the learning stages, i got pretty annoyed because i have never been able to do petty things, like putting thread through the needle as its eye gazes back at me. i shouldnt really brag about it but its a big thing for me because before today, i couldnt stitch at all. now im stitching buttons on a cushion cover. am in the middle of making a button cushion. ive been going all round the house, secretly ripping buttons off peoples clothes, decided that was a little mean, then decided to buy them off ebay. i am hoping that my next post will be a picture of my completed button cushion.

now is time for a few questions that have been playing on my mind. questions that i havent been able to find the answers to, despite searching high and low. what do you do when the little things you hold onto for the sake of sanity have died a painful death? you can delete someone off a chat list but is it possible to delete them from your heart? if you cant delete them from your heart, is it love? in a perfect equation, does eternal love equal to endless suffering? is there such a thing as a perfect equation or are we all just blinded by something that doesnt really exist? love. it kills me everyday but i somehow manage to come back to life. its like a suicide show, set on repeat. gawd, i always end up writing about love and how its killing me. there is just no escape is there? a thought crossed my mind as to what would become of me when i get married and youre not my other half. i didnt know what to think so i decided not to think that far, and buried that thought deep somewhere in my head, with a pile of other things not to think about. yet. i take each day as it is thrown at me.

anyways. best be off.
thank you muchly for reading my crap.

p.s. dear I. i hope im not half but fully forgiven.

2008-06-26T20:29:00.001+01:00

only God can judge me.

i believe

2008-06-25T13:09:00.002+01:00

i believe that if you dont want to communicate with someone, you dont have to. dont be forced to love someone and get on with them for the sake of someone else because in truth, this someone else truly doesnt give a fucking shit about you. instead of critically analysing and looking down on someone, look beyond what meets the eye. look beyond the obvious. no one 'pretends' to act sad. youre just an illiterate little bastard so you wont know. you make me hate this skin that i am in. i just hope that one day i will have the verbal strength to mock the shit out of you, then smile and ask you what it feels like. then when you start telling me what it feels like, i will cut you right off and shove words into your mouth and make you nod at every word i say. just like you have always done.

2008-06-22T22:51:00.003+01:00

1) Take the nearest book lying beside.
2) Read three lines from 5th sentence of page 123.
3) Make five more people do the same.

the nearest book is The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath.

page 123: Dodo raised her six children - and would no doubt raise her seventh - on rice crispies, peanut-butter-and-marshmallow sandwiches, vanilla icecream and gallon upon gallon of Hoods milk. she got a special discount from the local milkman. everybody loved Dodo, although the swelling size of her family was the talk of the neighbourhood.

i tag illusions, lizzie and all others who havent been tagged by this one and would like to find themselves in a similar situation.

2008-06-20T00:07:00.003+01:00

listening to Auld Lang Syne by Mairi Campbell and Dave Francis.

afifi?

i think i will die untouched; completely submersed and drowning in love with not a life saver in sight. when a life needs saving, life savers hide in their hidey holes and gaze out at you; wondering how long you will survive like this, wondering how long you will exist on one persons words that circle your head everyday and corrode the living daylights out of you.

people. i say this because i care and i know you already know this and you dont chose to or you often dont have much say in the matter. but do not ever fall properly, head over heels, psychotically in love because you will end up like a beautiful building after it has suffered an earthquake and no one will care. your whole life will be right infront of you as nothing but a zillion little shards of broken glass. and you will try so hard to put the pieces back together and make everything whole but the shards of glass will pierce your fingers and make them bleed.

yet dont you find yourself thinking that what is a little blood when you have love? what is a mountain of pain when you have the strength to love somebody? these thoughts seem mere and belittle themselves when you find yourself being caressed from the inside by the rays of love. its not right. it aint right. my advice: dont keep justifying your fucking actions. dont keep holding on to something that has gone. dont look back and wish for things to change because it just doesnt happen.

now i too have a wish.
i wish i could take my own fucking advice.

2008-06-17T23:22:00.002+01:00

a key being turned in the lock,
a train going through a dark tunnel.

... the key broke,
and the train crashed!

2008-06-14T01:04:00.003+01:00

i felt the sudden urge to blog and give life to my thoughts so here i am. and now my head has gone blank and i have nothing to say but this, self-thought words, rusting away with deep meaning attached to them:

the time we have given in life is no doubt limited, but love exists limitlessly even after we mortals expire.

i hate myself for being such a love struck fucker. but there you go. some things just last forever.

2008-06-11T18:04:00.002+01:00

its amazing what you can pick up at the library. i picked up this. http://whatcolourisgrief.co.uk/book/index.htm this is the online version, but the printed copy is exactly the same. its amazing i loved every bit of it. infact im going to do one of my own. its poetry and art. writing words to go with images. ive brought a sketch pad, paints, felt tips and glitter. im going to call it 'pages of my burning life.' i need to think of a front cover. so atlast ive found something to keep me busy during Summer! and after my book is complete, i shall give it to someone special. whoever that will be. unleash thy creativity cells.

p.s the hayfever is still there and is molesting me. grrrrrr!

p.p.s. sylvia plath is a fecking genius.

2008-06-10T13:16:00.000+01:00

blehhhhhhhhhhhhh.

2008-06-09T22:45:00.003+01:00

if someone labels you as 'crazy', do you have to live up to that label that they have so generously given you? ive been really ill for the past few days. hayfever = bitch.

A warning sign,
I missed the good part then I realized,
I started looking and the bubble burst.
I started looking for excuses.

Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.
When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

A warning sign,
You came back to haunt me and I realized,
That you were an island and I passed you by,
You were an island to discover.

Im tired, I should not have let you go. So I crawl back into your open arms.

coldplay. warning sign.

if someone asks me 'what is love?' i will smile and walk the other way. then a few years later, i will ask them the same thing, and they will smile and walk the other way. i dont care, or atleast i think i dont.

i know youre reading this.
i hate you for what you did but i dont care.
cos what goes around comes back around.

free styler - back the fuck up and let me be.

2008-05-31T22:40:00.007+01:00

typing completely off the top of my head. excuse the language and any spelling or grammar.

you bitch. do not look at me like that. i will grab you by the hair and shove your head through this glass table. i will beat these silver forks on your head till blood comes pouring out of your dramatic eyes, like red rain. red; the colour of love, but bleed your fucking eyes out all you want. i hate you so. i hope you die choking on your own beautiful breath, laden with O2. i hope this o2 changes to H2SO4 in your lungs. impossible i know, but hey, nothing in this world is impossible. right? i hope you cry yourself to sleep and i hope you drown in your own tears. i hope you fall from the sky into a fluffy cloud of white, and then i hope this cloud turns into a big bright flame and laps up every inch of your human skin. do not tell me what to do. when have i ever listened to you in the first place? i do not care about you and your fucked up head so please. back the fuck up and let me be. please.

why did you go away, without a warning sign? if i knew we were to part, i would have spent the whole night sat by your bedside, watching you and listening to you breathe your last breath. i would have let you have my life instead. i would have asked God to transfer my soul into your body, then take yours away. i would have tried harder to make you happier. i would have wanted you to tell me what you dreamt to see me as in the future. you would have spoken and i would have taken notes but now its too late and there is no turning back or no fast forward. im stuck in this moment and there is no where to run to. there are no arms for me to run into, as my eyes shed rain and create a storm. i will be struck by lightening and no one will care. get out of my head and one day out of my life. theres the door, ive held it open for such a long time now. out you go or just back the fuck up and let me be.

if i knew how things were going to be, i never would have given you my consent. actually now that i think about it, i didnt give you my consent at all. you made me give you consent, as you have always done. you tricked me again with your evil ways. i have endless debates in my head and wonder if i should hate you or love you. if i hate you, why should i hate you? thats easy, i can come up with an endless list as to why i should hate you. but why should i love you? why should i? why should i even try when i am fully aware of the consequences? youre so selfish and a hypocrite, amongst many other things. i hate you and i have tried so much to make it obvious, but you do not understand. you fail to understand, or you do not try hard enough, or both. there is so much that you dont know of. there is so much that i dont want to tell you. there is so much i dont want to include you in so back the fuck up and let me be.

my mind is being raped. thats how i feel like this very minute.
back the fuck up and let me be.
back the fuck up and let me be.
(repeat till fade)

haha. mwah.

2008-05-29T13:17:00.005+01:00

carrie and mr big make plans to get married. he doesnt turn up to the wedding. they break up for a while but at the end they get married in a small ceremony. he proposes with a shoe!

charlotte finally gets pregnant and has a baby girl.

miranda separates from her husband but they end up getting back together.

samantha separates from her gorgeous boyfriend because she feels like she doesnt have enough time for herself.

for those of you who are waiting to watch the Sex and the City movie, i love you very much but im sorry.

2008-05-25T13:12:00.004+01:00

listen to carry me down by demon hunter.
actually, dont.
you might sink in a hole
and your insides might die.

he said walk the world and i will love you again.
so i did. and he didnt.

and purely for the love of being Queen of Random,
here is a picture of my (rather colourful) softboard.

2008-05-23T17:15:00.001+01:00

knock knock.

who's there?

2008-05-17T21:44:00.003+01:00

upon smoking, he said: 'ajeeb hai. marnay ka showk tumhay hai...magar marnay ka tareeka meray pass hai'

ha. creativity all round. so whats been happening there where you are?

the Sun seems to have left us again,
and we are being reunited with grey skies, despite not wanting to.
hurray. so miserable. life.

the only thing left to do is eat and eat till i literally explode.
or would that be suicide?

2008-05-13T23:46:00.003+01:00

im absolutely loving the Sun,
it sortof keeps me from going insane.
im kindof confused and spaced out.
i feel wierd. numb, perhaps, but i know not why.
i dont understand who is reading my blog,
but clearly many people are!
because the counter thing keeps increasing.

im trying to research into why tattoos are haram
because i would like one.

"May Allaah curse the women who do tattoos and those for whom tattoos are done, those who pluck their eyebrows and those who file their teeth for the purpose of beautification and alter the creation of Allaah." (al-Bukhaari, al-Libaas, 5587; Muslim, al-Libaas, 5538).

so thats out of the window. but i think i can get a semi permanent one. or can i?

2008-05-11T09:56:00.003+01:00

Elizabeth Dunn: Have you ever loved anyone so much you didn't care what happened to yourself? You just had to be with them. If they look at you, your heart stops. If you feel their breath on your skin, you just ache. Have you ever craved anyone so much you didn't exist any more?

Dr. Philippa Horwood: No.

Elizabeth Dunn: I have.

i watched it last night. oh man what awesomeness. super film. i absolutely loved it.

2008-05-10T19:36:00.003+01:00

i just dyed my hair 'cosmic blue'

2008-05-08T19:50:00.001+01:00

dua: weapon of the believer

2008-05-08T14:39:00.001+01:00

sometimes, just sometimes, its never too late.

2008-05-05T22:36:00.004+01:00

shisha and music from Race.
dance. fun. fun. high.
deep red painted toe nails.
learning to love my feet again.
scraping money together and getting a takeaway.
priceless little moments.
memories growing wild in my insane mind.
gotta hate my brother, at times, but;
gotta love my brother, at times.

2008-05-02T12:21:00.003+01:00

home for the weekend. food all around. i love food. for me, its an addiction. im trying to cut down though because ive been eating like an animal. ive also begun to use the treadmill again. there is so much going on in my head. i wish i could take out my brain and let it rest. or something. because by the looks of it, if i dont stop thinking so fucking much, my head will explode and dislocated itself from its designated location. uni is out for the summer, but ill still be at my manchester place next week and the week after. exams went well, thankfully, considering that all my revision was done in one night. yes literally. its tahas birthday today. hes 4 years old. gawd how time flies. horrible. hmm. what else. he keeps haunting me but im trying to push him out of my head. he just wont flush out completely, that stubborn piece of shit. what assholes all species of men are. sons of bitches. i hate them. i feel somewhat like a feminist. heck, i am a feminist. thats a different story. anyway. summer is almost here and that can only mean one thing: hayfever is back, which means i look awful. my eyes just wont stop itching, and they become all puffy. the sneezing and nose dripping is awful but its not that bad yet because its just starting. apparently, 80% of us will suffer from it this time.

right im off for now.
more later.
behave yourselves.