5 Sep 2005

Maybe -

Please try saying something original, rather than just 'ooo thats a nice poem' ... please!

It’s raining outside
Maybe mysticism felt my pain
And is now crying with me
His tears are the rain.
It’s roaring outside
Maybe divinity felt my fury
And is expressing His rage
The thunder is His wrath.
I persist remaining in my place
On the rock under the naked tree
Embraced by deep wounding thoughts
So deep, they almost drown me
My only reason for drowning is you.
Life passes, lessens with the day
As far as the sun and earth might be
Yet I feel your charisma, passive soul
His tears touch my heart
I soak in the echo of His anger
Living without a soul
I hope to see you soon.

zaza at 4:19 pm

5 angels shot me


at September 06, 2005 Anonymous sohail said...

hey..yo..nice one let me rephrase it 4 me :P

I steep in the echo of my own rage
Living without a spirit, trapped in a cage

Wishing for hell I commit suicide
Ashes to ash dust to dust
choosing my fate, suffer I must…

you write very well..i should join u're institution of writers ...hell...we could publish a book..get rich and stuff..

money makes my life funny
rest is rust :(

at September 06, 2005 Blogger A.S.H. said...

deep poem...

at September 08, 2005 Blogger Usman said...

Good thoughts. But cliched words some. If you really want critical input, drop a line at my blog. I will return and give a long critique...

By the way, mysticism and divinity and Him don't really go along grammatically together in your verses. Might wanna try and revise?
Good luck.

at September 08, 2005 Anonymous Anonymous said...

nice poem, but theres too many long words in it.

at September 08, 2005 Blogger Zab said...

usman! its just somethin frm the top of my head - not grammatically immaculate i know but i didnt really think about that!


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