31 Aug 2007

the a-z of life

What I have to do is without changing the first word after each letter of the alphabet, I need to write a sentence that captures my essence.

*A* Accept the fact that life was shit and always will be shit: deal with it

*B* Break the rules and dare to be different

*C* Create a bouquet of extravagant lies but sell them only to people who are stupid enough to believe them with their eyes wide shut

*D* Decide upon something and stick to it, for everyone’s sake

*E* Explore your inner most thoughts because at times it can heal you

*F* Forgive with an open heart, other wise please don’t bother

*G* Grow your dreams in your head but know this that they won’t always mutate into reality

*H* Hope is something I must keep holding onto, no matter how far down this ship might sink

*I* Ignore all my pleas like I knew you would

*J* Journey is our life, and life is a journey and we all are the travelers: getting lost and trying to find our way

*K* Know yourself as much as I think I know you

*L* Love will always exist, all thanks to the sci fi shit we underwent

*M*Manage your life as much as you want: shit will always land right on top of your head

*N*Notice how brutally cold the world is, with everyone caught up with one thing or another

*O* Open the doors inside your heart and head and start thinking before it’s too late

*P* Play music because it sometimes acts as ventilation that cools the heart

*Q* Question everything that you do and aim to become a better person

*R* Relax as if youve got forever to do so, and then wake up to face the world all over again

*S* Share with me your inner most thoughts, knowing I will understand no matter what they are

*T* Try going against Natures Law and Nature will screw you

*U* Use your fucking head for once

*V* Value life as much as you can and do good things for other people, coz once you’re dead you’re dead

*W* Work this mystery out and I’ll crown you a genius.

*X* X-ray is a great invention that examines broken bones but has never been able to examine broken hearts

*Y *Yield a word that I have seriously never been able to understand

*Z* Zoom into life and watch everything up close, and you’ll know what life is all about


zaza at 10:51 pm

2 angels shot me

crazy post

I smile. Im super stoned on love. This love is eradicating me. I don’t care though. I will worship you if you want me to. This love is eating me up bit by bit. I wonder if I should laugh or cry or jump in a nearby river because this love will eventually consume me till I am no more. But I cannot let this go. I would rather die a virgin. I don’t mean to sound dramatic. I’m telling you how life really is. The reality of life and the truth about this love. You are evil and mean. And I thought I was.

zaza at 5:40 pm

3 angels shot me

Axe him mercilessly and destroy

Love me please
If just for the day
Things will certainly
Go our way
If they don’t
And I’m not right
Then love me please
If just for the night.
the pain is unbearable.
im losing ground.
Lord have mercy.

zaza at 2:00 pm

2 angels shot me

30 Aug 2007

babies galore

man. wats with all the babies?

heres what happened very recently:

my cousins sis in law had a baby,

another cousin of mine had a baby,

two people i know are expecting,

my baby cousins birthday is coming up,

my other aunty is about to go into labour,

so wats with all the babies?

is it baby season?

zaza at 4:16 pm

9 angels shot me

28 Aug 2007

life swings by

Life is going on. Never let go. Life is swinging by. Soon everything will be over. Everything. You are my everything. It’s not that I think I love you but I don’t. I love you. Unconditionally. Pure. Don’t let go for your sake and mine. I intend to keep swinging by. I worship you. You detest me. May Lord have mercy? Use your head. Think things through. This won't go away.Warning sign. Warning sign. This isn’t goodbye, not yet anyway. Time is ticking. Pain travels faster than sound or light. You’re aware. Forgetting is impossible. Trying is like unnecessary crying. You rock my crumbled world. Yea. So as you can imagine, I haven’t been able to change that password. Life is swinging by. Speed up. Swing by and take me away. Before it’s too late and I’m gone forever.

zaza at 2:46 pm

5 angels shot me

26 Aug 2007

I don’t like this tree of memories that lives inside my soul and grows everyday: branches entwined into each other, mystified, and many of them naked like you and I. Many of them haven’t seen green in a long time now. Some of them have stunted growth; where as some of them are continually growing as if there’s no one there to stop them, almost out of control and growing wilder by the day. Some branches are soft, dampened by pure water that falls down from coloured eyes and are broken easily, hurting you so much that the wound bleeds eternally. Some branches are stubborn, thick and deep rooted, and there is not an axe in the world that can chop them. They remind you of what happened and what went on before you saw the other side of life. They are constant reminders of earlier scars and they are forever intensifying.

I hate trees but I don’t hate nature.

zaza at 2:45 pm

10 angels shot me

23 Aug 2007

Stolen a car?: I cant even drive properly. I was taking lessons here but there are too many rules to follow and I just don’t do rules. Hopefully once we’re back in motherland, I’ll learn again there.

Been in love?: yes, and boy, does it hurt.

Been in a fist fight?: with siblings, yes, a long time back. Pulling hair, digging nails into the opponent’s skin, kicking, punching...anything went. Once my brother took a handful of cooked maash ki daal and threw it on my sisters’ face.

Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back?: yes, and boy, does it hurt.

Been to Canada?: nope, but would like to go, hopefully sometime soon because I’ve heard that they serve huge helpings of food.

Purposely set a part of yourself on fire?: yes, a bit of my hair, just out of curiosity. The stench was appalling.

Taken pain killers?: yes. I remember when my sister and I had competitions on who could dissolve the most ‘disprins’ and drink the solution. I think I won. With the amount of scientific shit these days, they should try making something that would lessen pain of the heart and soul.

Been lonely?: yes, hasn’t everyone? Dreamers are always lonely aren’t they? Loneliness makes you write beautiful things doesn’t it?

Felt an earthquake?: yes but a long time back and it wasn’t too bad either thank the Lord, my bed was moving from side to side. I was half asleep and at first thought I was hallucinating.

Slept beneath the stars?: once, when I was 5 or 6. We were in Ladian, a village in Gujrat somewhere. We slept outside on ‘manjees’. I would love to do it again sometime.

Been misunderstood?: hell yes, and boy does it hurt. But sometimes, it’s best just to let things be rather than justifying your self because the truth always manages to creep out.

Been in a car accident?: yeah, but thankfully no one ever got hurt. In Pakistan once, after an accident, our car was missing 2 doors. It was pretty embarrassing, but the car was cool. Literally.

Walked the streets drunk?: Don’t drink, never have, hopefully wont ever consider. I’ve seen drunken people though. Someone said they’re harmless but they scare me.

Swum in the ocean?: No, but I’ve swam in a tube well, with slippery algae stuck to the floor. Does that count? :D

i dont tag anyone coz i stole this from someones blog. but feel free to tag yourself. heh.

zaza at 9:09 pm

12 angels shot me

21 Aug 2007

dad (to mum): i hope zainab gets married to a pilot
mum: why?
dad: coz she loves travelling and going out
mum: oh you mean she'll get free tickets and stuff?
dad: yup. and she can roam around the world. henna zainab?
zainab: hmm.

haha. so. cut the crap. does anyone know of an unmarried pilot?!

zaza at 4:08 pm

12 angels shot me

18 Aug 2007

yea i havent blogged for a few days.
no i havent been sitting in my room crying my heart out.
i dont do that anymore.
because its just not cool.
neither inspirational.
plus im too numb to shed tears anyway.
im all out of words.
im sick of typing out similar crap everyday.
im trying to convince myself that i dont care.
its not really working.
ive been eating like a dog
ive almost given 'binge eating' a new meaning.

i'll try making the next post a happy one.

zaza at 8:45 pm

6 angels shot me

15 Aug 2007

you tugged so hard at my heart strings that they broke.
no wonder it still hurts like crazy.

you said you'll be gone for a little while.
so i waited. and waited. and waited.
you never fuckin came.
now im far far away.
as far as the Earth is from Mars
and as much as i love you, i aint ever coming back.

this wound that you gave me is eternal.
nothing can heal it. so im just letting it bleed.

life sucks. and so do you.

and so does destiny coz youre not in it.

zaza at 10:30 pm

6 angels shot me

13 Aug 2007

daydreams. `and then the letting go`

I’m lying down on my bed; the bed on which you died as I cried and ran out of tears. I’m staring at the ceiling which I decorated with plastic stars and space objects that glow in the dark; lifeless. I’m being drifted off to a world on which there’s only you and me. I’m sucked into another dimension by nothing but the stars on my ceiling. But I can’t complain because you’re with me and what more could I ask for? Nothing else matters when I’m with you, holding your hands, claiming forever upon forever.

To say that I love you so fucking much is an understatement and quite a big one in that. You run your fingers through my hair and we laugh as your fingers get tangled up in my curly mop. You pull me close to you, then closer, then the closest that two mortals can physically be. Our smells merge and become one, something that we will soon be as we entwine. I let a low moan escape my mouth as you run a finger across my mouth and trace my lips with it. Desires overtake us and it’s like we’ve lost ourselves completely, circling the moon and circling it yet again. You press your nose against mine whilst holding my face. I tilt back and look up to you as I stare deep into your eyes while you do the same. And I smile as you begin unraveling me, knowing that forever is ours and you’re mine.

Everything is okay; I told you it would be. But within minutes I see you walking away, letting go of everything that doesn’t normally exist between two mortals; letting go and leaving me mystified, not even offering to bless me with an explanation. You said you loved me when in truth, you thought you loved me but you didn’t . I did and I always will and I just hope that you know.

zaza at 11:19 am

7 angels shot me

10 Aug 2007

You were my password.
But now its time to change it

But ‘I’m in love and always will be’
That’s just the way things are. Some things happen. Some don’t.
Using words to describe magic is like using a spoon to eat spaghetti. Almost useless. So I’m not even gonna try. But as long as you know that my feelings aint ever changing, I’m okay, regardless of what you decide to do. At least I tried and gave it my all.

Sometimes destiny stabs you in the back but you’re accustomed to it so it doesn’t seem to hurt you. You’re left there, standing in a large puddle of confusion that seems to be ever growing.

Thy Lord seems cruel, but perhaps everything does happen for the best.

Have mercy.

zaza at 12:26 pm

12 angels shot me

9 Aug 2007

I don’t mind if my life ends up in ruins, because it has been in ruins from the beginning. It has been crumbling and un-crumbling for quite some time now; going uphill and downhill. I think similar is the case with your life too. If life was a cake, I’ve just been left with the crumbs. However, I am glad that at least I’ve got something though it may only be the remainder. You might be in the same boat as I am, and we might be sitting side by side. I am finding it difficult to put my feelings into words due to their nature, but I am giving it my best shot.

You live like you are going to live forever; speeding on the road just to get that thrill, impressing people with our wardrobes that are over flowing with clothes, consuming alcohol to feel tipsy--trying to forget the parts of our lives that are overburdened with some kind of unexplainable heartache which fades but never disappears completely. You let yourself sink deeper into a materialistic world. We live in a similar world yet we both have a world inside of us that other people know nothing about. These worlds are crushed to the point of no recovery, many are black; dull and colorless, many sometimes spin out of control on their axes and some, only some, are a combination of all three. I’m not saying which world is mine, but you probably already know.

Some dreams are better off staying dreams because by the time your dream reaches you and begins turning into reality, it slips away and you feel like it was never yours to begin with. Dreams are not realities waiting to happen. Sometimes dreams are ripped to shreds by the time they get to you; some dreams are in one piece but you don’t have enough strength to hold them and make them yours, and sometimes you’re just scared of what the result might be. Destiny is somewhat cruel.

It’s not easy, nor has it ever been. Life isn’t easy. Even at times of extreme happiness, there is always some kind of misery that continuously gnaws at your life. If you have a minute to spare, try pausing, if only to think about where you currently stand. You’re living life only to go to the land of no return. Every time I have a question, I don’t know who to turn to for the answer because I know that no mortal has it, just the way they’ve never ever had it before. I made up the questions so I figured there would be nothing wrong if I made up the answers myself. And here I am, still lost in my world of questions and answers. And I know if I think of an answer for my question, I will start acting upon it. If you don’t like me acting upon it, I will always be there to tell you that you were never there.

So I don’t mind if my life ends up wrecked, because it has always been wrecked…right from the start.

[edited by Raaji - thankU]

zaza at 1:22 pm

2 angels shot me

8 Aug 2007

im not doing anything,
just giving you what's rightfully yours.
youre not doing anything,
just giving me what's rightfully mine.

zaza at 11:47 am

0 angels shot me

6 Aug 2007

November 12th '05

With pride is how i stride,
plain pain dominating
the left side of my brain,
i cannot think without having a strain....
but i must recall thoughts that i forgot
because its true what they say;
no pain, no gain...
suffer, bleed,
cry or plead..
but this life wont stop
so why should i make it halt,
or even try?


[ thankU :) ]

zaza at 11:35 pm

2 angels shot me

4 Aug 2007

'your words cut me. do they have a similar effect on others too? you see, that's the thing that you dont realise. you cannot fight a battle from so many miles away. so just shut up and go to sleep. the bombs wont reach you to begin with.'

im a dreamer. visionary. i believe. i see things they do not see. but they do not know. they dont know the difference between their own face and their b*tt. lol. its highly funny - i wish you could see things the way i am seeing them. theyre too caught up in little circles of lies that keep them happy, and gossip that seems to be the main purpose of their lives. ive got what i want. ive learnt, and ive seen enough to judge. go walk away now and see if i fucking care. aint no one gonna fk with my sh*t as long as destiny doesnt betray me, which i know it wont coz my Lord aint cruel.

enough said, atleast for today. i wish i could type as fast as my thoughts. gnight.

zaza at 12:14 am

1 angels shot me

2 Aug 2007

Al-Qariah, the striking hour, the day of judgment.
What is the striking hour?
And what will make you know what the striking hour is?
it is a day when mankind will be like moths scattered about,
And the mountains will be like carded wool,
Then as for him who’s balance of good deeds will be heavy,
He will live a pleasant life in Paradise.
But as for him who’s balance of good deeds will be light,
He will have his home in Hell,
And what will make you know what that is?
It is a hot blazing fire!

zaza at 12:58 am

0 angels shot me

1 Aug 2007

Who on Earth am I kidding? Can I ever stop blogging for more than 2 or 3 days? No I cannot. Because if I stop blogging, I will end up sitting a corner of the room and my thoughts will be so unbearably intense and deep, dying to find some kind of exit from the mind in which I keep them. And then you will see smoke, and then see me bursting into flames, wondering what is wrong.

I know there are some extremely cheap and shameful songs out there. But the truth is that I actually like some of them because their lyrics are awesome and they have the tendency to pierce your heart. Some songs are brilliant but they have the capacity to crunch up your soul repeatedly. Like this one on my blog. I’ve had my blog player since quite a long time now, but I haven’t had the strength to listen to it since a long time now. It’s peculiar. But every time before opening my blog, I either mute the speakers or I pause it. It can almost be called a ritual but I don't want to torture myself, thankyouverymuch.

I’m finding it weird how someone you thought was so confident and emotionally strong ends up in shambles. I am beginning to realize things about myself; experiential learning, they call it. Why is everything given a formal name? I don’t mean this in a bad way, but at times, ignorance can lead to a special kind of bliss.

While randomly youtubing, I came across Junaid Jamshed’s video called Qasam Uss Waqt Ki. I almost passed out with nostalgia. I remembered how Dadi Ji used to sit on her Deevan, Baba Mama on that dark purple leather sofa, 3 little kiddies sitting somewhere too. And every time this song used to come on, mama used to say: ‘dekho! Dada jii!’ And the 2 scenes in which he appears are barely 2 seconds long, but everyone used to beam at each other. And before I continue rambling on, I’m going to shut up.

People have come, and people have gone.
Life has changed and life is forever changing.

zaza at 11:03 am

3 angels shot me