22 Jun 2007

Life. With another man.

He smiles, tells me I look beautiful and inches closer. I can’t let him touch me. I am for you and if you couldn’t have me, then no one can. I hold up my hand and turn the other way. He laughs and asks me what is bothering me, whether I am scared of whatever would happen tonight. I remain silent. I feel disgusted and sick but say absolutely nothing. He probably thinks I’m missing my family, having no idea that they were greatly missed by me even when we all lived in the same house. Your thought saddens me because when you realized, it was too late. I told you not to let go. I told you I had to speak to you. I tried talking to you but you would not respond. But I was helpless and couldn’t do anything to stop this; I was forced into marrying into this ‘good’ family, all of who’s members are ‘God fearing and pious’.

Reality is extremely inconsiderate and unforgiving and you’re probably aware. I stare at a spot on the wall in front of me and let the tears flow freely; not caring if my makeup is being smudged all over, not caring if I sound like your black dog who now resides in Heaven. He tries putting his arms around me but I push him away. He feels weak but doesn’t know what to do. I don’t blame him; it’s not his fault either. He doesn’t know what is troubling me and I can’t tell him. He will mock me and tell me I’m being foolish, that everyone loves and loses. He will continue talking, telling me about the many times he loved and lost, though I won’t be paying any attention. His words will flood my ears. Even then I won’t look his way. I know I won’t. I know myself too well now. I won’t tell him about you because he will call me a liar. He will say that I’m dreaming things; that such things don’t exist, upon which I will smile and he will probably get really annoyed.

I will weep but even then I won’t allow him to come close to me, despite the formal commitment through the grand wedding. His wedding, it wasn’t mine because I was forced to go along despite not wanting to; because you went away and I was left without a choice. I will tell him about my reality; that I am dead and I no longer exist in soul, that my soul was taken a long time back, that I was crushed in the most brutal way. He does not care though; he says I am his now, I belong to him and whatever has happened must be forgotten.

You still drive me crazy and I crave to land on Mars. This is all too much. I cannot take it anymore. I run to his kitchen, find the sharpest knife and stab myself 3 times. I die in person too, and wait for you to look up at the sky and start missing me.

zaza at 10:21 pm

4 angels shot me

4comments

at June 23, 2007 Anonymous Anonymous said...

good story

 
at June 23, 2007 Anonymous Anonymous said...

fuck u bitch

 
at June 23, 2007 Anonymous zaza said...

i wonder who you are, oh cussing mortal.

 
at June 23, 2007 Anonymous zaza said...

whoever it is thnkx for paying a visit

 

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